• Dorte

Dating over 40: How to find the right man for you

Part of finding the right relationship is to know clearly what you want. The type of man you attract is influenced by your clarity on what makes you happy.

And then to actually know and believe that you deserve it, truly believing that you are worthy of it - and that it's possible.

Do you know what you want?

Do you tend to focus on certain physical attributes that you want in a man? Or do you have certain ideas about what is possible or not possible to find? Whatever you have been holding on to, just for now, erase it all and let's try something slightly different.

I) How do you want to feel in your relationship?

For now, the idea is that you define the man you want to meet purely from a perspective of how you feel when you are in a relationship with him. How does your ideal man make you feel about yourself and in yourself? What do you do together and how does that make you feel? What do you both enjoy doing and how does that make you feel? What do you share and what makes you laugh together? Which dreams do you share and what do you both long to share as experiences?

Ultimately you are looking for a relationship that makes you feel happy and in which you feel happy. What does happy look like for you?

As you can see I want to remove the focus from any physical characteristics such as being a certain type or driving a specific car. And the reason for that is that although you may think so, these attributes do not actually necessarily make you feel happy and they can also be lost, change or disappear.

To say it as it is, a man that looks the part and drives a nice car, may not be a nice person at all or may not share your values in life. And he could lose both his looks and car tomorrow leaving you only with a person who is a bad match for you. However, the man who shares all of your values and interests in life, can complete you like you complete him and you both wake up with a smile on your face every day and you will want to go through both good days and bad days together. If one day he also has a car that you like, you may enjoy driving it with him a lot more than if he had been that other guy we talked about.

What can't disappear and what will actually help to make you happy, are the deeper qualities in the person, the things you share, the things you both want for your lives etc. Focus only on those and you may just find that what you thought you like is not at all what makes you happy and you'll be able to see more clearly who to be with and revise your approach t gauging who is right for you.

II) What are you worthy of?

Your own self-worth will influence how assertive you are when it comes to knowing what you are available for and what you feel is possible for you.

Know what you are looking for, what you feel you deserve to receive and what you are willing to accept and be happy with.

Be honest on these aspects, with yourself and with others.

What do you expect from a relationship? You need to define what you are looking for - but without attaching to any specific outcome or person.  There is no need to plan out your entire life right now at this stage. However, you need to know what you ultimately want and to dare to ask for that.

Don't tell a man that you want a casual relationship if what you want is a long-term, life partner or a husband. Or the other way around. Sometimes there may be a belief that he will eventually grow into that idea but if what he tells you is not that, then it's unlikely that it will change. So it will save you some hurt to dare to look at this honestly from the start.

On the other hand, don't be willing to over-commit either if what you want is just to take things easy and see what happens next. Just focus on having fun for now, be open, and be honest to yourself and to the other person.

Most of all, you need to know what you want as this helps to set your boundaries and create the right type of relationship, knowing that you are 100% worthy of a great man who makes you feel good and of a life that makes you happy.

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