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Dating after divorce - the secrets

Your feelings are mixed… but you know that you want more! And having a man to share it all with is a part of it.

However, not just any man!

This time you want it to feel good. If it’s not a great experience there is simply no point because you feel pretty happy on your own and you’ve had enough bad emotional times to be willing to go through anymore rollercoaster emotions or bad encounters.

So what’s the secret?

The truth is that dating success is simple!

And you can drive that success to make sure that you have the good times you’re after and no more ups and downs and disappointments.

1. Know exactly what you’re looking for

Don’t get too excited princess, it’s not about making a wish list of features that you want your knight in shining armour to posses. And it’s time that you realise that whether he has the haircut you like and a pocket full of money is not actually a guarantee to how you will feel being with him.

So this point is about knowing what you want to experience. And being open to meeting the person who will fulfil those desires because frankly, knowing that he drives a certain type of car or has a certain type of job means nothing when it comes to knowing that he will make you happy.

Why do you want a man in your life? How do you want to feel in his company? What do you want to share with him? What do you want to do together?

Ask yourself what makes you come alive and feel happy. Those are the things you are looking for. And you may not know the exact features that Mr Right should possess to be able to deliver these to you.

You actually have no idea who you need and who can fulfil your innermost desires although you may indeed be able to tune into this. But keep that in mind and focus on what you want to experience without being swayed by unimportant details. And that will be your direct way to Mr Right without heartache or disappointments.

When my good friend listed all she wanted in her next guy I cringed in horror. She had just described the man I had spent the three previous very painful years disentangling myself from, uncovering lie after lie and so much hurt. And I probably did the same when I went out looking for someone who was exactly the opposite to my previous bundle of painful experiences.

But reality is that it’s never those external criteria that show what type of relationship you can have. That’s all just spectacle and you need to look much deeper to get to the truth.

So if you’re defining criteria for a guy then make it about values and truths, not the superficial stuff. Two guys can have the same surface appearance but very different inner worlds.

2. Know the experience you’re after

So at this stage you may think that you don’t need to decide if this is going to be your life long love story or just a fling. But that’s where you’re wrong.

The intentions you set right now is what will bring about the experience you’ll live.

If you decide to have a fling, you’ll have just that.

So don’t ask for a fling and then fall in love with the guy.

That’s how you get hurt.

If what you really truly want is a big, long and deeply meaningful love story then ask for that. If all you want is good company on the occasional Saturday night then that’s cool too. Be clear and set your intentions right.

3. Even if you were hurt before, know that it doesn’t have to happen again

It’s so easy to fall into the ‘they’re all the same anyway’ types of conclusions when you walk from one bad experience to the next and it can end in a feeling of this whole love thing being best avoided anyway.

But you couldn’t be more wrong.

Just like there are good girls and bad girls, the same is the case for the weaker sex.

There are plenty of good guys out there and if you want one of those, you can go take your gentle pick.

But you may have to change a few things in yourself first.

If you have felt that you keep repeating the same old errors over and over then you need to start there - inside you.

What are you attracted to? What do all of the bad examples have in common?

Make a list of common traits of behaviour or events that repeat from one bad relationship to the next.

Become aware of what it is that pulls you in and what you need to distance yourself from.

You need to drive this one because it’s actually not the bad guys’ fault if you let the hurt you. You have the choice to avoid them and that’s what I would like you to do next. Learn to recognise them and walk in a big circle around them, avoiding them at all cost. You need something much better this time and you can have it too. But it starts with learning to say no to the wrong ones.

4. How committed are you - really?

You only get what you’re willing to give.

Are you sure you’re ready to enter a new long-term serious relationship? If you are then great, go for it. If you’re not, then spend a bit more time healing first and be sure to be honest and frank with your new beau.

You’re not here to hurt anyone by over promising and you’re not here to over-commit either.

You may need a bit longer before being ready to commit to someone new and that’s ok. You can still have deeply meaningful relationships and experiences even if you aren’t ready for a life-long love story right now. And you can also let things evolve gradually. As long as you are honest - to yourself not least, and with your beloved. He deserves it, as do you.

5. Be honest!

No, I don’t blame you of lying. But sometimes we’re so keen for something to be a certain way that we’re willing to lie to ourselves.

When you go on those first dates or start to get to know someone new, dare to be honest about what you see. Even your best intentions can’t make the wrong person into the right one. And many people will make a very different impression on a first date than one year down the line.

Be yourself. Your own amazing, beautiful self. Don’t try to overdeliver or deliver something that isn’t who you really are. And dare to see the person opposite you for what he or she is too. The truth is that you feel a soul mate relationship very quickly if not immediately and you can’t make it up if it isn’t truly there.

The wrong person will always be the wrong person and if you dare to see this, you can avoid getting hurt or hurting the other person too. You can still have a great time together, authentically as who you are. And who knows, maybe a great friendship will blossom out of your encounter instead of the love story you initially saw. Which will enrich your life on a different level and allow space for your true soul mate to appear in your life too.

6. Learn to trust again

If you’ve been hurt or just disappointed about a failed marriage, then this can be really hard. But without trust you can’t build a real relationship with anyone, not even yourself. You need to be able to trust and love yourself before you can love someone new.

Build up this inner love story first. Know how amazing you are, that you are enough, that you are worthy of a beautiful love story.

Once you know this on the deepest level, you won’t ever again be persuaded into accepting anything less than exactly what you truly deserve.

Trusting someone else starts in you.

And trust is necessary to have real and meaningful relationships - with yourself as with someone else.

And that’s it!

Once you have all of that onboard, all you need is to fling on a great fitting pair of jeans, do your hair and make-up and go out and have some fun!

Dating after divorce can be a lot of fun and great experiences.

You need to own your own part of your dating experience which is essentially about feeling worthy and ready for exactly what you truly want - so that you get just that.

Now, go get it girl.

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